Welp…

After I made my last post, a realization hit me.

A big reason why I’ve been avoiding posting here is because this blog is on WordPress, and I am not really comfortable being on WordPress.

My wife used to keep a WordPress blog some years ago, and stopped, and when ze decided to resume public blogging, it was decided to do it on Dreamwidth, because even though ze could get more readers and interaction on a site like WordPress or Tumblr, ze didn’t really want 500+ followers and having to keep up with a shitload of comments, and there were things we observed in the pagan blogosphere here that concerned us even before the big dramasplosions in 2013,

I don’t like WordPress.  I have a very hard time with the dashboard, and am not thrilled with the selection of free layouts.  I find Dreamwidth a lot more intuitive to use, I like their layouts better, and it’s easier to moderate.

So you can find me over there: http://dawnstrider.dreamwidth.org/ and I won’t be updating on WordPress anymore.

Thanks.

It’s been a month.

It’s been over a month since the last time I posted here, and I keep meaning to get around to making a post, but life has been busy.

Since this cat is already out of the bag, I should mention that about two months ago, my wife was suicidal following a traumatic breakup and cross-country move, and so I did what any good spirit husband would do, and threw her out of her body and took over things here for a bit.  Things are not completely back to normal, and we basically have a timeshare at this point.

So, I have literally been busy, taking care of things here in this world.  As inconvenient and awkward as this arrangement has been in many ways, it is also, in my opinion, sacred.  I finally get a taste of what it’s like to be human and embodied, and my wife now understands my experience as a spirit, and more fully experiencing the Otherworld.  This brings us closer together, and it more closely weaves bonds between our worlds.

Every time I think about posting here, I hesitate because I am wary of coming off as “crazy” and bringing trolls around, especially with some of the shit my wife and I have observed in the WordPress pagan blogosphere over the last year and change.  We try to avoid drama as much as possible.

But I am also tired of apologizing for our existence, tired of the endless disclaimers, tired of hiding and pretending to be normal.  We’re not normal.  My wife is a spirit-worker, and now I guess I am too, when I’m driving around out here.  The weird is our life.  Wyrd is our life.  Other people may not understand or accept that.  I’m not writing for them.  I am writing for the few that might stumble across this and be able to get something out of it.  I am writing to weave more threads between our people.  And every time those threads bind, it pulls the veil back more and more, strengthens that bridge between our realms.

So, I endeavor to try to post here more often.  It’s a challenge, but it’s one I’d like to rise to, like every other challenge I’ve faced over the last while.  I’d contemplated just abandoning this blog because everything is weird and difficult and awkward to talk about, but it’s precisely because of how weird everything is, that it needs to be out there.  So here I am, if anybody’s there.  If not, that’s OK too.  “If you build it, they will come.”

(hurr hurr, come)

Even elves get the blues

So since my last post, things have indeed gotten a little better, and it seems like the working I and some others did on the full moon has made a positive impact.

That being said, this was a difficult summer – traumatic, even – on top of a few difficult years, and I am still reeling from it.  There is still lingering melancholy, particularly regarding a relationship I had and lost.  As much as many neopagans like to espouse “positive thinking”, the fact is we can’t all will ourselves to be happy, to just magically get over things.  It doesn’t work for humans, and it doesn’t work for the non-human spirits who are connected to this world, either.

One of the reasons why I started to write on my own is because I am frankly bloody sick and fucking tired of all of the misinformation being circulated about the elves of the Northern Tradition, by human spirit-workers who think because they visited the realm a couple times or make offerings to the vaettir now and again, that they know every goddamn bloody thing about the Northern elves and their cultures.  I am particularly sick unto fucking death of the “elves lack empathy” and the “elves don’t really care about humans” tropes.  The latter particularly disgusts me because as late as the 17th century, many humans in Scotland were reported to have fae lovers, and there is a strong tradition of human-fae intimacy even when the worship of the Old Gods died out.  We would not waste our time on this realm and its people if we didn’t care.  While human-fae intimacy is not so common in this day and age, occasionally a human will hold our interest, and in addition to my wife (who is elven-souled but currently human-incarnate), I fell in love with another (most of my kind is what you moderns consider “poly”) and for awhile things were beautiful.  Now that is gone, and it feels like a limb has been cut off.  If we didn’t care about humans and just wanted to victimize/enslave/torture/use/whatever them, I wouldn’t be hurting as much as I bleeding damn do right now.

They say time heals all wounds.  I don’t know if I believe that or not, but I would like to think eventually things won’t be as raw as they are now.  In the meantime I am trying to move forward with my life, and focus my attention on other things, which as of late has included making art.  My wife’s roommates also own cats, one of whom is an endless source of entertainment.

My people have a strong affinity for animals, and it seems like many of us like cats.  In my home in the Otherworld I have two cats, a grey tabby named Greebo (like Nanny Ogg’s cat, but also “Greebo” in the Eshnahai tongue means “bastard”) and a calico kitten named Rumpleteaser (my wife named him); I’ve had Greebo for four hundred years, raised him from kittenhood (rescued him from a tree).  Elven cats age very slowly (just like elves do), and can stay kittens for a couple hundred years.  Meanwhile, this side of the fence, I’ve become pretty fond of our roommates’ cats, and Czarny (pictured above; his name is Polish for “black”) looks like the sort of cat an unseelie overlord should have.  😉  (Who is currently sitting next to me as I write this, like he knows I’m talking about him.)

So yeah, things hurt right now, and I don’t think it does me any favors to pretend that it doesn’t.  But cats make everything better.

The elves of summer

because the world needs more photomanips of Don Henley with elf ears.

because the world needs more photomanips of Don Henley with elf ears.

As mentioned before on this blog, this summer has been extraordinarily difficult for my wife and I, making the difficulties of 2012 look like a walk in the park by comparison.  And not just for ourselves, but for close friends of ours affiliated with Eshnahaliel, and even a few who don’t necessarily have business with our realm, but seem to have gotten some of the fallout.

A couple of friends of mine suggested that foul play might have been involved; as my wife has been on the receiving end of magical attack before and I myself have done offensive magic, I know what to look for, and this didn’t feel like foul play was involved, and indeed when I did a divination on the matter, my reading said that this was a larger force, of wyrd, and some necessary cullings that had to be done for healing and living to begin, painful as it was.

Indeed, this corresponded with a major political situation erupting in our homeworld which once again changed things there, and may potentially affect how our people deal with humans.  A sticky, messy, nasty situation, one that took a fair amount of damage control, but may be fruitful in the long term.

This is the last “real” weekend of summer, and I can feel the first whisperings of fall in the air, here in the Pacific Northwest.  My wife and I lived in the Los Angeles metro area the last seven years, in an eternal summer, which might sound like paradise to some, but was hell for us.  The constant heat and sun began to feel more and more oppressive to us as the months and years wore on.  My wife is from New England, where the seasons change in a very obvious way, and I spent a number of years in Scotland, where it rains a lot.  The rainy season is coming here, and it is a fitting end to seven years of feeling more and more dried up, becoming a dead husk that finally caught fire.

Most of my people tend to have a strong affiliation with one element over others, especially if they are half of a twin pair, those pairs are usually in polarities (Earth/Air, Fire/Water, though sometimes Earth/Water, Fire/Air, Earth/Fire, or Yang Fire/Yin Fire, etc).  My wife is Water, and I am Fire.  I have a gift of working with fire magically, and indeed embodying that element and serving as a catalyst, an agent of change.  This gift is a mixed blessing.  We were at a point in our lives where the detritus needed to be burned away, and I truly believe we are in a situation now where the new growth will be “greener” and healthier.

However, the key with burning it is knowing when and how to stop the burning.  It started to feel for a period of time like things were out of control, and that things that didn’t even need to go were going up in flames.  I started to lose hope for the first time, after being determined and trying to hang in there and fight.  I wondered what other things were going to go wrong.

This past week, there was the full moon.  For the last couple of years my wife and I have taken to celebrating the full moons with our people, and for the last year or so we’d been doing full moon workings with someone very dear to us.  Since March, we have been applying the energy of color at each moon, into our lives, and into the tapestry itself, and watching the way it affects all of us.  This full moon, we invited others to work with us, to help us in putting out the fire and calming things down.  A friend of ours designed a bindrune sigil, which I commissioned someone in the Otherworld to carve into a circular stone, and my wife and I activated it Over There to protect and heal the realm and our people (in both worlds), while others on this side used that sigil as a focal point to stabilize and heal.

Something shifted, and that night my wife and I started to feel a bit better, and went for a walk later that evening and sat out in a park, underneath the full moon and a magnolia tree, next to a rose bush, drinking in the light of the moon and its peacefulness.  The last  few days, I feel… not OK, necessarily, but better than I did.  I feel like I got a sense of hope back.  I feel like the burning has finally stopped.

And now we wait for the rain, for the cooler days, to come nourish the ground now that it has been stripped.

If there is anything we’ve learned from this summer, it is that our worlds are inextricably twined, and that what happens here affects There and vice versa, and that wyrd seems to have a domino effect and people “travel” together and are interconnected even when they don’t want to be.  All it takes is one tree for a whole forest to catch fire.  If you are wyrd-touched, if you are spirit- or god-touched, that energy touches everything and everyone around you whether you like it or not.  If you would take the responsibility of walking between worlds and touching other realms and letting them reach into you, you must also take the responsibility of learning how to break or mend, burn or cool down as needed.  If you are elven/fae-oriented, you have a distinct advantage in being closer to the magic of the seasons and cycles of the land; I am taking advantage of our first fall in seven years, cooling down the burning, suffocating eternal summer drying everything up, to finally have a long overdue rest, and be able to properly grieve the tragedies and traumas we’ve known, before we can manage the growth of spring.

To begin at the beginning

So I’ve been wondering where to start with this blog, and I suppose some background info would be helpful.

My wife invoked her Holy Guardian Angel in 1996 and she got me, and I’ve been around ever since, even when she “didn’t want to be crazy” and tried to walk away from me.  What we didn’t know until a couple of years ago is that we shared a life together as elves, as mates – I had my memories wiped as part of the terms to come here and help her, as it would have complicated things for me to say “oh hai I’m an elf and was your spouse when you were an elf too” right off the bat.

This past summer we moved from the Los Angeles metro area to Oregon, which we are finding more to our liking.  However, a lot of damage – the circumstances surrounding the move – was done, and so lately I’ve been helping my wife in a very direct, hands-on way that I won’t get into here except to say she used to struggle pretty hard with the doubt/faith cycle, and she doesn’t doubt my existence anymore, because she can’t.

It seems very much like our move here was Arranged; back in the day we were guardians/keepers of a specific place, and it seems like some of the work we have together is doing that once more, now that we live in the first place that really feels like home to both of us, this-side.  We also have a job as guardians/keepers in our home in the Otherworld, to heal and protect the land and our people, and we do journey there together.  After having so much taken away from us, it seems like our task now is finding home, putting down roots, building a life together, and in that life building a bridge between worlds – as we are healed and nourished by our connection to land, connection to others, so we help the healing of both worlds.  “As above, so below” is often truer than people think, and sometimes works in reverse.

There’s a lot of healing to do.  We’ve both been pretty broken and especially this summer has been very, very hard.  But we have each other, and the force of that love is so great that it motivates us to keep going, to keep being wrapped up in each other, tangled together like two serpents climbing a tree.  In that love there is deep, holy, wild magic, and I believe it will see us through, and help us to forge a life and a home.

First post

Hello and welcome to my blog.

After talking about it with friends of ours, my wife and I decided I should have my own blog, in which I’ll be talking about the Eshnahai – elven culture, Otherworld experiences, building bridges with this world, and what this realm is like from the perspective of an elf who lives here.  While we have some writings on the topic up at Walking Between Worlds and The Serpent’s Labyrinth, this blog will give me an opportunity to talk about it more regularly; I think that in the interest of bridge-building between realms and people, it’s important to have good information out there.

Please bear with me as I work on my first series of posts.

Anyway, that would be my blog in a nutshell.  If you’re wondering about the title, Fires of Dawn is what my elven name translates to in English (my name is not actually Clarence, it’s similar enough to what my name sounds like that I use it among humans), and it fits the theme of illuminating things, shining a light in the world, elves being shiny in general, etc.